nooneisasking

Hi loyal internet readers..

I realized something over the weekend.  I realized that even though I was only a guest blogger for a week, even though I was fired from my job, even though the Republican National Convention has me searching for just the right implement to shove under my fingernails, I have a larger purpose.  

To serve my 11 loyal fans.

I've only had one fan before in my life.  Her name was Amy, she was mentally challenged, and she asked me for my autograph after I won the high jump competition in 6th grade.  I gave it to her.  And now, dear fans, I'm going to give some shit to you.

Firstly, ants.

I've got a decent sized colony going in my kitchen, and they are up for grabs!  Ants in LA aren't like normal ants.  They aren't  like the ants you see in the rest of the country that laze around, and sometimes are big and black and clumsy, and sometimes are small and brown and make little sandy hills all day.  They grow them fucked up out here.  Like REAL fucked up.  Ants out here are organized, cracked out and ready to fuck you up.  They didn't make that animated film ANTZ for shits and kids.  It's a complexly coded warning.  It predicts the end if you listen. 

Are you listening?

Anyway, come by and take my ants!  They get 'er done!  And they will play nicely in the ant farm you provide.  They won't break out, crawl into your ear and implant shit in your brain.  Promise!!

Blogging feels good.  I'm not gonna lie.  It feels REAL good.

I'm gonna go now and have some private naked time with my blog.

- love bessie love

p.s.  FUN!!!

http://www.getmooh.com/

It's the end of the week!

it's the end of the Democratic National Convention!

It's the end of annoying banner ads on FunnyorDie! 

Oh wait, no it's not.  At all.

Good thing I ordered 13 trillion cases of Axe body spray, because now I need to buy The Promotion on DVD!

It's been a great week.  It has.  I can't thank FunnyorDie enough times, or in enough ways, for letting me blog.  They gave me a funny look this morning, and I'm starting to itch 'down there' again, but I think they're glad too!

Do you ever mysteriously get a voicemail even though your phone didn't ring?  That's been happening to me a lot lately.  Like the other night my boss left a message firing me, but the phone never rang!  I figured it was some technology glitch, so I've been showing up all week anyway.   I mean, my phone never rang!  Right?!  Anyway, he sent me on a REALLY long errand today, and when I got back the office was locked.  I think people were still inside, but my keys didn't work.  Crazy!

It's a good thing I got this blogging thing over with before all this weird stuff started happening..

It's been real, internet world.  Whatever you do this weekend, DO NOT LABOR!

And here are some fun links..

http://www.slydial.com/

http://renz-o.blogspot.com/

- love bessie love

So it's Wednesday.  And not just any Wednesday.  It's the Wedensday before a holiday weekend.

Just sayin'.

In other news, and in the spirit of honesty (Hollywood loves honesty!  And integrity.  And cocaine.), I feel compelled to admit I have blogged before. 

Yes.

Many years ago, I kept a blog.  When the pressures of the world, and the man, and J. Crew became too much, I would escape through words.  Words with a clarity that made me wince.  Words with an honesty that made me weep.  Like an Oprah a-ha moment, or a baby's first shit, they changed one's worldview forever.

Here is one of those entries..  Happy hump day.

"A unicorn born.

....

....

....

..... ouch."

Hello internet world,

Yesterday I was a little harsh to my hood, so today I'm gonna make it right.  There are LOTS of great things about Hollywood!  I've attached some pictures of my great friends here.  They really are the best.  I mean, they aren't the kind of friends who would pick me up at the airport, bring me soup when I'm sick, or hang out with me, but they answer my calls! 

Sometimes.

Sometimes they don't answer them, and don't answer them, and don't answer them, but they're always kind enough to have someone call me back!  I guess you could say I'm great friends with their lawyers now too!  See?  It's easy to make friends in Hollywood.

Anywho, here we are having some great times.

Follow your dreams.  That's the only advice I can give.  Follow them, and if they lead you to a J. Crew, folding seersucker capris at 1 in the morning next to a dancing fountain, it's always darkest before the apocalypse!

- love bessie love

So FOD and I work in a little slice of heaven we like to call Hollywood!  Other people like to call it Hollyweird, or Tinsletown, or stupid shit like that, but Hollywood works just fine for us.

We have a little Zen sanctuary here, with a fountain, animals that sing, and a nice strong black gate to protect us from the faceless man and tranny Superheros.  It also helps make us feel like we're just a LITTLE bit better than everybody else.  And who doesn't like feeling that way?!

But seriously, the reality of Hollywood is pretty grim.  Think 28 Days later meets the worst shit you've ever taken.   If you aren't already here, DON'T COME.  If you are here, remember to clean your produce with a high-pressure hose, and for goodness sakes, cash your checks at a BANK.  Check cashing places here generally leave you missing either a limb, your virginity, or both. 

Wheat grass shots and irritating small dogs are encouraged.  Real tits are not.

Below is a picture of me when I first moved to Hollywood.  Head full of dreams, closet full of ironic, unfunny T-shirts.  Look at me now.  I look like Amy Winehouse, and I nurse undead crack baby dolls.  That's what working at the Grove will do to you.  That magical fountain dances, but also employs mind control. 

Mind. 

Control.

You like LA.  You like it.  You really really like it.  Look at that pretty palm tree. 

So I guess I didn't really talk about anything today.  FOD told me that's ok.  It just means I'm blogging!

- love bessie love

Hi there,

I don't work for FunnyorDie, but I know them kind of like you know a veneral disease.

They appeared one night after drunken lovemaking, flared up into a swollen, itchy, bloody wart forest, and then went dormant.  They are still there, lurking, but I can lie about them now, and no one can tell for sure.  Carpe diem, am I right?!

Anyway, they want me to write this blog, but if I was actually funny I'd be running some important shit, instead of wallowing in "debt" and "wasted potential", so I'm just going to swear, bullshit and post links to compensate.

So birthdays.  The next one you remember (I don't care if it's your grandma or your gay foster dads) they need to know about this:

http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/

What baby?  Those red bumps?  That's just razor burn my sweet pumpkin muffin.  I shaved just for you!

Welcome to the week suckahs...

- bessie love